TED'S RULES FOR FLYING: POST #75 APRIL 1, 2010

1. Old people cannot fly. They can't find their row and seat assignments nor put their luggage up in the overhead bins, and they have to go to the toilet every three minutes. Kids, take them wherever they need to go or keep them at home
2. Anyone with a neck brace on or an arm in a cast cannot fly unless it is on an Air France plane everywhere they go.
3. All parents with crying babies must be put on the back row behind some kind of sound barrier unless it is one of my Great-Grandchildren, then they can sit with me and Great-Grandma.
4. If I am in an aisle seat and someone just parks right in the aisle with his back to me and his rear end right in my face, they will be thrown out the window.
5. If there is not an exit row or bulk head seat available, I will be automatically upgraded to business class.
6. Those bing-bong sounds that keep going off, especially when I am trying to take a nap, will be disengaged forever!
7. Anyone who even resembles a terrorist will not be on a plane that I am on and I will be the judge of who looks like a terrorist.
8. Old women, ugly girls, and gay guys cannot be flight attendants except on Air France.
9. All meals will be made from recipes from Herman Junction chefs. Cheeseburgers and fries (not FRENCH fries) for lunch; Corn bread and fried potatoes for supper, and Mexico Chiquito cheese dip and chips for a snack.
10. All pilots will be trained by that 'Sully' pilot that landed that plane safely in the Hudson River.
11. Anyone who asks me if the Clinton's are from Arkansas one more time will ride the entire flight on the toilet seat.
12. No alcoholic beverages will be served, especially to Texas Rednecks who keep yelling, "Don't mess with Texas."
13. If I have to sit on a plane more than thirty minutes my money will be refunded.
14, The next gate agent from Paris, France who lies to me will have to move to Red Onion, Arkansas and pick cotton for the rest of their life.
15. Delta Airlines must sever all relations with Air France. Come to think of it, Air France should not be allowed to fly anywhere but in France
16. I will not be served my Sprite anymore in a little cup that is empty after one gulp. Mayonaise jars will replace them immediately!
17. Every plane will have a 'Razorback' emblem on it somewhere and everyone will call the hogs while those attendants make all those safety announcements that you cannot hear and understand anyway.
18. When I am flying home to Arkansas, I am not to be flown OVER Arkansas and then brought back four hours later.
19. Great, Great, big fat people who are eating Cheetos and Reese's peanut butter cups cannot fly at all unless it is on Air France and with their food they will surely lose some weight.
20. Trips to the toilet will be limited to one trip per flight and after that you can use that mayonaise jar that you had left over from drinking your Sprite.
21. Waking me up to crawl over me and get out will result in your being super-glued to your seat the rest of the flight.
22. Any complaints about these rules will be dealt with according to age and size of the complainer.